I found your note…

Today I sat going through so many cards that I’ve been given over the years, by my children, friends, and more…..then I saw a few from you.

Looking at the year you last sent me the last card, it was a Mother’s Day card, 6 months before you died. No one knew you were sick, not even you. Or did you know that cancer was killing you, and you didn’t want to tell us in case that would upset us?

Today, I read what you wrote to me on a separate note that you had put inside the card so many years ago. I went cold when reading what you’d written, because I’d never really READ this note before. I’d not taken notice of what you said to me.

It occurred to me, when reading what you wrote actually went into my head,  (this time), that you must’ve known you were dying. At the time however, all I saw was a card from you Mom. I never took the time to really READ what you wrote to me, and now I’m here shattered, and you are gone, and I miss you so much, and I’m unable to tell you how much I love you, or to thank you, or to tell you that I understand.

How could I not have somehow known that you were reaching out to me? Why did I treat that loving, beautiful note from you, as just another note, even though you’d never written me a note before?

Today, I feel the painful loss of you. Some 15 years later, and there’s an arrow through my heart. It hurts so deeply, as instead of trying to understand you when you were alive, and were mentally ill, I judged you. Having inherited your mental illness, I too know how it hurts to be judged for being ill. I didn’t know back then, as I didn’t know I was ill too, least of all that you were. What was called ‘manic depression ‘ back then, was never spoken about or understood.

we suffer the same condition, but there’s a huge difference.

Back when you were alive, no one understood nor cared about mental illness. So you had no support, nor medication to deal with this cruel illness. I, on the other hand, do have the meds needed, and there is support and understanding available.  I shudder to think how you struggled.

God Mom, as I sit here sobbing, having blamed my shitty childhood on you, I’m ashamed and devastated. You were as mentally ill as I am, and had you had the support and meds you needed, the love that you always showed, even if in an odd way (due to the illness) would’ve been so clear to see.

If you are in anyway able to read this, even if I can believe you can from the Spirit World, then please know this;

Thankyou Mom for trying to be a mother, the only way you knew how to be.

Thankyou Mom, for taking care of me as best as you could, even though we were poverty stricken, that wasn’t your fault.

Thankyou Mom, for loving me, in the only way you knew how to, as you wrote in your note to me, ‘you never have been good at expressing yourself ‘. You told me in your note, how much you loved me. You remembered everything I’d ever done for you, and you listed them. But I was so caught up in myself, blaming you for my sorry childhood, I never even noticed what you’d written. How much you did love me.

Bipolar robbed both of us of the love and understanding we could’ve shown each other. Both of us ill with the same illness, neither of us knowing it.

Everything I thought of you isnt true. I ache for the loss of not holding you more, understanding more, as I now know the bitter struggle of Bipolar, having to struggle through it myself.

Mom, it stole our understanding, it stole our all. I, also suffering the same illness, only now truly understand how very very hard and cruel life was for you. I ache for the heartache you went through. I’m so sorry that we lost a lifetime of love, but today, as I sit holding the note you left in the card you sent me, I finally know that you DID in fact, love me, which is all I ever wanted or needed.

Im unable to express my gratitude. I love you Mom, Thankyou for loving me in the only way you knew how to. My heart is on fire, as finally, so many many years later, I know my Mother loved me and never intended for me to get hurt.

Your note will be forever cherished.

Thankyou Mother, I love you and miss you, and I’m deeply grateful for how hard you tried.

Rest now. One day we will be together again, without Bipolar. 🙏😢

 

 

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